More Communication

Did you ever get mad at someone enough to quit talking to them for a little while? Do you have an argument or a disagreement and just turn and walk away? The right thing to do is not to physically fight or scream and yell at each other in front of the kids, but the wrong thing to do is just end the argument without reaching and end.
I was married to a beautiful woman for 13 years. I thought she was the best woman in the whole wide world and told anybody who would listen about her. I loved her with all of my heart, mind and soul. We started a family and had three wonderful children.
Occasionally we had disagreements. No yelling or fighting, mostly her complaining about someone I had done or not done and me just getting mad about it and clamming up. I would walk away, thinking it was the right thing to do, not fighting or screaming. I really couldn't think of anything important enough to "have a fight" about. We both had good jobs, so money wasn't an issue for me. We built a beautiful home together and had three great kids. So, when she came to me complaining, I thought I was doing the right thing by just shutting up and walking away. I was wrong.
Unresolved problems stay in a relationship. Not only do they stay, but they fester and grow larger, silently. I finally figured all this out after she told me she wanted a divorce. She got what she wanted and took everything from me, my home, my family, my children, the only life that I had known was all gone in one afternoon at a quickie divorce lawyer's store front office. It still hurts nearly 4 years later. The biggest hurt is that I am losing touch with my own children. Alabama law mandates that the father can only get the children two weekends a month. I see my kids 4 days a month or 48 days a year. If you want to know what hell on Earth is like, come spend a few days in my shoes. They is no cure for this pain.
I came to realize that our biggest problem in our marriage was our failure at communication. We just did not know how to talk to each other about things that bothered us. I know now, but it does me no good. I still cannot to her because of the pain. All I see is the things I loved most in life going to someone else. She left me for another man and he is now the center of her life. He will get to spend more time with my children than I do. If this isn't an abomination, I don't know anything.
I have tried in the past 4 years, at different time to, as she has told me, "get over it." But, how does a father, who loves his children more than anything on Earth just get over losing them? I don't know and I don't think I even will. But, I have got to get to the point where I look like, on the outside, like I accept the situation. I just can't reconcile this in my mind. If I accept the situation, doesn't reflect bad on me to my children? Don't the wonder why Dad doesn't try to win their mother back and they get their family back? They have all told me at different times that they do want me back home. It hurts so much to hear them say it. I just smile and tell them to keep hoping and praying for that. I try to hold back tears, but I can't. I know in my heart that they will never get that pray answered and I weep for them and their sadness. She has found her new true love and has no interest in me again what so ever. I feel cheated that we never tried to get counseling before she divorced me. I have always felt like I should have gotten a second chance. I always gave second, third as many chances as needed for others, but I never got mine.
Too many people these days just pull out the divorce gun and pull the trigger because it is so easy to do, two hours, $355 and you are done. It should be hard as hell to get a divorce in my opinion. I guess that's why I am not in charge. I would hold people to their oaths and promises.
My point with all of this is you and your spouse must communicate early and often to keep the relationship alive. You need to talk about any problems you see no matter how small. Any thing that is bothering you needs to brought up and discussed. But, you will need guidelines to go by so that it does not end up in a screaming match or fight. I always recommend that couples spend just thirty minutes a week talking about their life and relationship together. Find thirty minutes with no kids, pets, TV or any distraction and sit in two chairs facing each other with your knees touching. For the first 7 1/2 minutes you each discuss things that you hate about each other, the next 7 1/2 minutes is about things you don't like about each other, the next 7 1/2 is things you do like about each other and the last 7 1/2 minutes is things you love about each other. No subjects are offlimits and you much agree not to get angry. These are issues that the other person sees and you both need to resolve. You will find that after a few months it will be a routine that you look forward to ad it will make all the difference in your relationship. At the end of the thirty minutes, you both stand and hug each other for a minute. That may sound like short period, but try doing some simple task for a minute and it seems like forever. And forever is how long you promised to be married.