Friendship

Were we ever friends? (I am talking to my ex, here.) I don't think we were. I remember just about everything about our life and relationship. I just don't remember being friends. She has claimed many times since the divorce that she still wants to be friends, but I don't think that will be possible. How could I befriend someone who destroyed my world. She mentioned it one time while I was over at her house dropping the kids off and her "no account" father was on the back porch smoking. I looked at her and asked, "If I were to go outside, shoot and kill your father, would you want to be friends?" She kinda looked away and said, "No." I still don't think she understood the question.
But, I started thinking about it and I really can't remember a time we were friends and that's sad. I remember the exact moment I first met her. She didn't see me, but I saw her walking down a hallway with her friend at technical college. I was smitten and then later in a class with her, I saw the ring on the finger. My upbringing forbade me from doing anything but talking to her in class. A married woman is off limits, to me at least. Call me old fashioned. Call me a dinosaur.
We became classmates and acquaintances. We, along with a few others, were on a project for one computer class. She was pleasant, smart and beautiful, but that ring was ever present in my mind and on her finger. We got along. I never went anywhere with her or any of the other people in my classes. I guess I didn't really become friends with any of them.
I do remember one night. After class, we left the school grounds in separate cars and headed home. It just so happened that we got the interstate at about the same time and for about 5 miles, paralleled each other. She would look at me and I would look at her. I was really unsure of why she was staring over at me. She was driving in the lane to my left. We came to a major junction in the interstate and she turned her car south and I turned north. It was a very surreal few minutes. I had no idea what it meant.
It was near our graduation, when I noticed she wasn't the ring anymore. I didn't know what that meant, either. On our graduation night, several people in the class went together and rented a room in the hotel where the ceremony had taken place. At least five "couples" shared the one room. We all got into the hot tub for a while. I drove her to her apartment, miles away, to get a bathing suit. I didn't have one, but was wearing bikini underwear, so I stripped and got in. After we got out, she wanted to take a little walk. We changed and walked out to the pool area and sat in a couple of lounge chairs and talked. Just talked for hours. It was a great moment, right out of every romantic movie ever. When we were exhausted, we went back to the room, found small spot on the floor, (every place else was taken) and collapsed. We kiss a few times, I tried a move and was told not yet. We kissed a couple more times and she fell asleep while I rubbed her back. I can still hear her breathing.
After that night, we started dating. We made love for the first time on our fourth date. From then onward, we were a couple. We did couple things, we dated, we went to movies, we went to expos, we had couple friends and so on. We traveled the country together as a couple even before marriage.
I told her I loved her after the fourth date. She said she wasn't ready, yet. Funny, I don't remember the first time she told me she loved me. Hmmm. Oh, well.
I asked her to marry me before we had dated for 2 months and she jumped at the chance. I was kinda half serious, but we were driving back to her apartment after going out and I just felt like asking it to see what her response would be. It was affirmative. I thought great.
It was somewhere right around this time that she told me that she was not yet divorced from husband number one. I remember taking her to the lawyer and waiting while she filled out the paperwork. He wasn't there. He signed them a little later. I didn't know how to feel about this part, I just knew I was in love with this woman. I didn't feel like I stole her from him. I never even met or saw him. She told me that they had only been married about 2 years and had lived apart most of that time and were already planning the divorce. I guess it was true. I never will know. (I actually saw him years later. Her sister had a car accident and he was one of the paramedics that showed up on the scene. He came to the hospital with her sister and we came a short while later. I found out from her that he was married and had a couple of kids.) I remember her telling me when we first started dating that he was horrible to her and I tried to help her get over the pain. She told me she would still like to be friends with him. I couldn't understand why. She never pursued it. I forgot about it.
Even after we were married, I still don't remember being friends. I mean, we were married and did married couple stuff. But, friends? I couldn't say. I had friends. I knew what friends were. But, were we friends? I doubt it, now. Will we ever be friends? No. I will get along with her for the kids. I will cry when they mention mom and dad getting back together. Seems they only mention it to me. Never her. I guess instinctively they know it will never be, also. But, they know who will, at least discuss, the subject. All divorce children long for their parents to reunite.
Another thing divorce does for you is make you question the whole marriage. Were all the good times, really good? Were all the fun times, really fun? Did she mean anything she said? How do I know if any of the marriage was real? I have to believe it was or I would go mad. But, it still lingers out there waiting for another bad day or bad time to come rushing to the forefront adding to the pain.
My point in dredging up the past is that you must be friends, too. Marriage is a good thing between two people that love each other, but it needs more. Lovers can be friends and friends can be lovers. I think this is the way it should be. I know this is the way it should be. I will strive for that the next time. I will demand it. I want my best friend to be my lover. And I want my lover to be my best friend.
I guess she has that now, or at least the appearance of it. I think he's a loser and I have that opinion because of the things she told me about him before we were divorced and while he was still married to number 3. (He left number 3 for another married woman at work. Then dumped her for mine.) But, I guess he is good at something. He has managed to convince at least 5 different women that he is a prince among men. He oughta play poker! (But only against women)

More Communication

Did you ever get mad at someone enough to quit talking to them for a little while? Do you have an argument or a disagreement and just turn and walk away? The right thing to do is not to physically fight or scream and yell at each other in front of the kids, but the wrong thing to do is just end the argument without reaching and end.
I was married to a beautiful woman for 13 years. I thought she was the best woman in the whole wide world and told anybody who would listen about her. I loved her with all of my heart, mind and soul. We started a family and had three wonderful children.
Occasionally we had disagreements. No yelling or fighting, mostly her complaining about someone I had done or not done and me just getting mad about it and clamming up. I would walk away, thinking it was the right thing to do, not fighting or screaming. I really couldn't think of anything important enough to "have a fight" about. We both had good jobs, so money wasn't an issue for me. We built a beautiful home together and had three great kids. So, when she came to me complaining, I thought I was doing the right thing by just shutting up and walking away. I was wrong.
Unresolved problems stay in a relationship. Not only do they stay, but they fester and grow larger, silently. I finally figured all this out after she told me she wanted a divorce. She got what she wanted and took everything from me, my home, my family, my children, the only life that I had known was all gone in one afternoon at a quickie divorce lawyer's store front office. It still hurts nearly 4 years later. The biggest hurt is that I am losing touch with my own children. Alabama law mandates that the father can only get the children two weekends a month. I see my kids 4 days a month or 48 days a year. If you want to know what hell on Earth is like, come spend a few days in my shoes. They is no cure for this pain.
I came to realize that our biggest problem in our marriage was our failure at communication. We just did not know how to talk to each other about things that bothered us. I know now, but it does me no good. I still cannot to her because of the pain. All I see is the things I loved most in life going to someone else. She left me for another man and he is now the center of her life. He will get to spend more time with my children than I do. If this isn't an abomination, I don't know anything.
I have tried in the past 4 years, at different time to, as she has told me, "get over it." But, how does a father, who loves his children more than anything on Earth just get over losing them? I don't know and I don't think I even will. But, I have got to get to the point where I look like, on the outside, like I accept the situation. I just can't reconcile this in my mind. If I accept the situation, doesn't reflect bad on me to my children? Don't the wonder why Dad doesn't try to win their mother back and they get their family back? They have all told me at different times that they do want me back home. It hurts so much to hear them say it. I just smile and tell them to keep hoping and praying for that. I try to hold back tears, but I can't. I know in my heart that they will never get that pray answered and I weep for them and their sadness. She has found her new true love and has no interest in me again what so ever. I feel cheated that we never tried to get counseling before she divorced me. I have always felt like I should have gotten a second chance. I always gave second, third as many chances as needed for others, but I never got mine.
Too many people these days just pull out the divorce gun and pull the trigger because it is so easy to do, two hours, $355 and you are done. It should be hard as hell to get a divorce in my opinion. I guess that's why I am not in charge. I would hold people to their oaths and promises.
My point with all of this is you and your spouse must communicate early and often to keep the relationship alive. You need to talk about any problems you see no matter how small. Any thing that is bothering you needs to brought up and discussed. But, you will need guidelines to go by so that it does not end up in a screaming match or fight. I always recommend that couples spend just thirty minutes a week talking about their life and relationship together. Find thirty minutes with no kids, pets, TV or any distraction and sit in two chairs facing each other with your knees touching. For the first 7 1/2 minutes you each discuss things that you hate about each other, the next 7 1/2 minutes is about things you don't like about each other, the next 7 1/2 is things you do like about each other and the last 7 1/2 minutes is things you love about each other. No subjects are offlimits and you much agree not to get angry. These are issues that the other person sees and you both need to resolve. You will find that after a few months it will be a routine that you look forward to ad it will make all the difference in your relationship. At the end of the thirty minutes, you both stand and hug each other for a minute. That may sound like short period, but try doing some simple task for a minute and it seems like forever. And forever is how long you promised to be married.